Becoming a Better But-er

"But" - it's something we hate to hear after receiving good news.

"That presentation was great, but there are things you need to work on."

"I want to give you a raise, but it's not in the budget right now."

"I love you, but there are some things you could be more considerate with."

We lead with the pleasant and wrap with the not so pleasant. This is unfortunate because we're conditioned to disregard what comes before "but", and place a higher value on what comes after - "The But Eraser/Enhancer Effect". Thus, we're constantly dampening our positive statements while enhancing the negative.

Being mindful of this phenomenal, we can leave a more emotionally encouraging footprint by merely flipping the positioning.

"There are things that you need to work on, but the presentation was great."

"It's not in the budget right now, but I want to give you a raise".

"There are some things you could be more considerate with, but I love you".

The literal meaning of the statements remain the same, only the emotional impact has changed. This is important. Constructive feedback is healthy and we don't want to discourage it. We simply want to express ourselves more positively, disagreeing agreeably by becoming better but-ers.

Comments

The Art of Giving Feedback

Constructive feedback is an awkward affair. You don't want hurt feelings, but recognize the importance of honesty. You've tried the classic "hoping things will get better on its own" and unfortunately it hasn't played out. When giving feedback, here are a few things that I try to keep it mind. Start with empathy. Step into their shoes and understand their story. If you don't know, ask. Be genuinely curious. Feedback is a dynamic affair. Shared communication with a shared goal towards progress. Take the emotion out of it. Focus on the situation, not the person. Focusing on the person adds unnecessary weight to an already emotionally-bloated event. Be specific. Give clear examples. Vague feedback equals dismissed feedback. Doing above won't de-awkward things fully, but it will dampen it and increase the chance of better outcomes.

Bias For Clarity

Bias for action. Gets things done. Go-getter. Traits companies big and small look for. And for good reason, you're being hired to do things! However, action is a secondary step that often overshadows the primary step, direction. Clear direction is the foundation that enables our actions to takeoff. Without it, we're stuck in the mud. Striving for clarity is an underrated skill. Having the courage to ask ( seemingly ) obvious questions, and to check in, making sure we're all on the same page. "O bvious " questions are a low risk, high reward way to add value. At worst, you'll add confidence to our actions. At best, you discover a misalignment that saves us from a dead-end. The more people, the more clear we need to be. The bigger the initiative, the bigger the risk of reaching the finish line, only to realize expectations were off. Success is always uncertain. But we can be certain about what we want and what everyone's job is. Things that can be clea

Negative Feedback, Positive Lessons

In the battle against plastic bags, a five-cent tax was shown to be much more successful at deterring usage than a five-cent credit for bringing your own bags. Carrots satisfy but sticks sting, and they sting hard. So we default to the less painful choice of avoiding loss. Loss aversion impacts the way we process information. A 2019 study invited participants to learn through a series of multiple choice questions. Each question only had two options to choose from. Whether guessing correctly or not, they would still learn the right answer. Despite the identical learning opportunity, participants were much more successful at recalling the answers they guessed correctly than those they got wrong. "You're right!" feels good. We savour the moment, analyzing every detail. "You're wrong!" stings. We want to quickly forget, dismiss, and move on. When we succumb to loss aversion, we miss opportunities to learn. Failure is part of the process. We'll experie

Herman Ye

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